The year was 2005.
Paula was waiting in Simon’s dressing room with her hands shaking uncontrollably in her lap. She didn’t want it be like this and she would never picture herself in this kind of position.
It was just one night they shared. One night to be together, to become one… and then the morning after it would only remain a memory that they would have to forget. It would be a memory of pleasure, though they agreed to move past it and act as thought nothing had ever happened.
She bit her lip, trying not to lose her confidence too soon. “Maybe this was a bad idea…,” she whispered to herself, shaking her head slightly. Just as she was about to get up from the couch in the room, the door suddenly opened. Her body froze and her breath hitched.
“Yes, darling, I know. I’ll-” Simon was speaking into his phone, until he caught sight of Paula’s presence in the room. She shot him a small, shy smile. He stared at her and then turned his attention back to his girlfriend on the other line. “Terri, love, I got to go. Talk to you later, bye.” He quietly shut his phone and put it back in his pocket.
Paula spoke up, “I’m sorry for just randomly being here, but-”
Before she could even finish her sentence, Simon chuckled, “Are you alright, darling? It’s not like you to be waiting for me here unless you want something.”
She only gave a slight laugh and then automatically went back to her shyness. She could feel goose bumps from the sudden cool air, so she rested her hands on her arms to warm herself up. “Umm… I need to tell you something…” She paused there, because she could feel the tears starting to form in the corner of her eyes. She looked down at the ground to try and wipe them away without him seeing, but he saw. Looking back up, teary-eyed, she finished her sentence off, “And I’m not sure whether you’ll be happy or angry about it, but....”
He looked at with concerned eyes and then he slowly walked towards her. Stopping right in front of her, he wiped the tears off her face and then placed his hands on her shoulders. He stared down into her eyes. “What’s wrong, darling? I’m sure I won’t get upset, Paula.”
Her heart started to beat faster as she grew more nervous by the second. He was still gazing down at her, which made her even more uncomfortable. Holding her breath, she tried to relax and gently shut her eyes as she was too afraid to see what his response would be. Then she just let words flow off her lips.
“I-I’m… I’m p-pregnant.”
Silence.
He blinked a few times and now it was his turn to hold his breath. Did he hear her correctly? “Wha-what did you say?”
“I’m pregnant with your child, Simon,” she whispered. Her eyes were no longer in contact with his as she now stared down at the ground. She was just too afraid to see the anger, hurt, confusion, whatever mixed emotions he was feeling.
He finally took his hands off her shoulders and turned around, trying to get a steady breath and relax… except that was the hardest thing to do at the moment. ‘A father?’ he thought. ‘Me?’ A hand went through his short hair and then rested on his neck as he tried to relieve the stress. This was too much for him… he couldn’t be a father, why him? And with Terri in the picture! Now Terri will now he had cheated in their relationship. It was only one night… one night of pleasure, one night to forget.
Walking towards his makeup area, where the makeup artist would get him ready before Idol, he placed his hands firmly against the table. He stared into the mirror, seeing his reflection staring back at him. What to do? He would leave Terri in less than a second… though, he couldn’t do that. That wasn’t the right thing, was it?
After a long silence was filling the room, Paula wrapped her arms around herself as though she was giving herself a hug. She had no idea what to tell him, but she went with her gut… “I just want you to know that I want to keep it…” He still had no response. She slowly walked up behind him and placed her hand on his shoulder as his back was still turned away from her. “I know that night was something we were supposed to remember to forget and move on… and I know we’re not in love, but we do love each other... as friends, right?” No words left his mouth, but she felt him stiffen at her words. Those words felt like a dagger in the heart… was that how she really saw him? Nothing more than a plain old friend? “There is no pressure on you at all. And you can be as involved as you want, Simon.”
He grew tense at her words, feeling shiver rising up and down his spine. And finally, he turned around to see her only with silent tears streaming down her angelic face. “You know how I feel about children…” She only nodded. “And you know that I am with Terri…” She nodded again. “But you must know that we can make this work somehow… I will support you in any way possible, Paula.” He wrapped his arms around her as she sank into his embrace. Tears were now leaving a water stain on his shirt, but he didn’t care. He rubbed his hand up and down her back. “I will try my best to be with you…,” he paused there and then placed a hand on her flat stomach. “And our baby.”
Lifting her head up from his chest, her face was tear-stained, she whispered, “Promise?”
He kissed her softly upon her forehead and with much confidence said, “I promise.”
If only she knew though… that his feelings for her were much stronger than just any platonic kind of love, but fear of commitment interfered with those feelings as well.
Chapter 1
Paula was reaching for the keys in her purse, frantically searching around but the keys were nowhere in sight. She rolled her eyes at herself when she realized the keys were in her coat pocket. Once opening the front door of her house, she walked in with grocery bags and then set them on the kitchen table.
“Birthday girl, I’m home!” Paula exclaimed through the house. She had been so busy all day for her daughter’s birthday that she barely even seen her daughter. She felt guilty, but her daughter understood her mother’s hard-working life, even if she just turned five.
Footsteps were heard echoing through the gigantic house, while barks were filling the room as well. “Mommy!” Paula suddenly felt arms wrap around her leg and she laughed, seeing her daughter hugging her. “Can we order pizza tonight, pleaseeee!”
She looked up at her mother and gave her one of those famous puppy dog faces that she had learned from her Uncle. “Bella-Boo, honey, we can’t. Maybe tomorrow night,” Paula said as she tried to put the groceries away, but her daughter kept a tight grip on her legs.
Isabella then wrapped her legs around her mother’s leg, not letting go. “But, Mommy! I wanna eat pizza, it’s my birthday!” Her daughter was always very spoiled, but Paula wanted to treat her daughter like a princess, like how she always dreamed to treat her children.
“Yes, I know, but you’re uncle is coming over very shortly and I was going to make-”
“Uncle Simey is coming over?!” Isabella let go of her mother’s leg and then started to jump up and down. “When’s he coming, Mommy!?”
She adored how her daughter called him ‘Uncle Simey’. Paula thought it was the cutest thing ever. Smiling down at Isabella, she replied, “In about twenty minutes, so why don’t you get dressed in something nice. He’s bringing your birthday present that we both got for you.” Paula winked and then Isabella skipped out of the room with her long dark brown hair swinging about.
Paula shook her head, giggling softly to herself. She wouldn’t know where she would be without her daughter now. She loved her so much.
Time passed quickly as Paula had just placed the bread in the over and finished making the salad. She had decided to make an Italian dinner with pasta, garlic bread, and a salad. Everything should be perfect... everything was going to be perfect.
“Mommy, how’s about this?” Paula turned her head away from the meal she was preparing to see her daughter. Isabella was wearing a pink ballerina dress with a princess crown that said ‘Birthday Girl’. She had a very dazzling smile planted across her face and Paula couldn’t help but grin so wide.
“You look lovely, sweetie,” she smiled down at her daughter. “Would you like to help me set the table? Your Uncle should be here any minute,” Paula smiled.
Isabella shrugged, “Okays!” She grabbed the plates and began to set them out on the table. “Mommy, is Uncle Simey staying in American for long, long time? I misses him soo much! He’s in Engrald all the time!”
“It’s pronounced ‘En-gl-and’, Bella,” Paula corrected. “He’ll be staying for a few days, so don’t worry, honey.” She brought the bowl of pasta over to the table with silverware in her other hand. Isabella’s tummy started to growl and Paula laughed, “I’m guessing you’re hungry.”
“Very, very hungry!” Isabella started to rub her tummy. “When’s Uncle Simey gonna come!? I want my birthday present!”
Just as if on cue, the doorbell had rung and it echoed through the entire house. Paula’s dogs began to bark at the sudden noise and Isabella quickly ran from the table and towards the main hall. Taking after her mother, she was very small still for her age and reached for the doorknob to open it. Pulling it with all her strength, she opened the door and revealed a particular Simon Cowell.
He was dressed in his usual semi-formal attire that consisted of black shoes, jeans, and a white oxford with the three buttons at top unbuttoned. “Bella-Boo!”
“UNCLE SIMEY!” Isabella screamed. She ran right into his arms as he picked her up and swung her around. “Don’t ever go back to Engrald! Me and Mommy missed you too much!” she said with a pout.
Simon chuckled at how she pronounced England. “Aw, sweetheart, you know I can’t promise you that. ‘Engrald’ is where I do most of my work.”
“Well, as long as you take me in your suitcase!” Isabella smiled and then tightly wrapped her arms around his neck. When she looked over his shoulder, she saw a wrapped present placed right behind his feet. “Is that my present!?”
“It sure is, munchkin.” Simon untangled himself from her and placed Isabella on the ground, where she started to jump around and twirl in circles. He then bent down on one knee and picked up the gift off the ground. Now at eye level with Isabella, he placed it in front of her.
The box began to shake a little and shuffling noises came from within it. “Mommy! Uncle Simey brought my present!!” Isabella shouted for her mother. “Can I open it!?”
Paula quickly appeared from around the corner. She was very dressed up as Simon was, but she still looked more than beautiful. Her hair hung in loose curls just under her shoulders and she wore a short white summer dress with white sandals.
Isabella ran to her mother and began to tug on her mother’s dress. “Mommy, can I open it now!?”
Paula nodded and giggled softly herself at her daughter’s actions. Isabella quickly ran to the shuffling box and pulled on the big bow that was keep the box from opening. Just as the bow was thrown off, Isabella took off the cover that had poked holes in it. And she was shocked to see a very tiny white puppy’s head stick out of the box.
By her daughter’s screams, Paula could tell that Isabella was extremely happy with her birthday gift. Her daughter carefully took out the tiny puppy. The huge smile never left her face, same goes for Simon and Paula… who were avoiding eye contact at the moment.
“Thanks, Mommy! Thanks, Uncle Simey!” Isabella grinned. She placed the puppy on the ground and began to play with it. “I’mma name her…” Isabella began to tap a finger on her chin, trying to think of many cute names. “How abouts May…” She wanted her doggy to be named with her birthday month.
“What about Bella?” Simon suggested, crouching down next to his favorite ‘niece’.
“Nah, that’s silly, Uncle Simey!” Isabella poked him in the chest. Simon couldn’t help but laugh slightly for it reminded him of how her mother would constantly abuse him during American Idol.
“How about Belle?” Paula smiled.
“That’s it! Maybelle!” Isabella exclaimed. She stood up and stared down at her new puppy, who was gazing up. “C’mon Maybelle, you must meet Bessie Moo and Thumbelina and Charity, and everyone else!!” She picked up her puppy in her arms and skipped out of the room to find the other doggies.
As soon as Simon saw Isabella disappear into the house, he walked up to Paula. “She’s getting more like you every day,” he chuckled with one of his charming smiles planted across his face.
Paula blushed slightly, her cheeks growing a shade of red. “Well, she missed you… a lot.”
Simon took a few more steps closer towards her, his hands shoved in his jean pockets. “From what I hear, she wasn’t the only that missed me,” he added.
“Of course, I missed you too, Simon,” she smiled up at him. After that last statement, he enveloped her into a warm friendly hug. The hug lasted a few seconds longer than expected, he took in the scent of her hair. She smelled of vanilla, just as she always had. Once the hug ended, he missed the feeling of her in his arms.
“Thanks for coming, Simon. She would have been completely devastated if you didn’t,” Paula told him.
“When have I ever not celebrated her birthday with her? Paula, she is after all my d-”
Paula’s hand immediately covered his mouth so he wasn’t able to speak anymore words. “Simon, she’s only a few rooms away. Not here,” she whispered. As soon as she removed her hand from covering his mouth, Simon only nodded.
Tension was building up between the two now and an awkward silence filled within. It had been months since the situation had been brought up last… Simon was the one who always initiated it and Paula would always be the one who ended it before the conversation began.
The oven went off and Paula quickly excused herself from Simon’s presence, leaving him confused and wanting more of her touch.
--Remember To Forget--
The dinner was lovely and Isabella was having the grandest time. Her puppy sat right at the foot of her chair, staring up at her as thought Isabella would sneak her some food. The puppy began to whine and Isabella took notice of the puppy’s pleading eyes. Isabella took some of her pasta and began to lower it down, before Paula caught her red-handed.
“No feeding Maybelle any spaghetti, Bella,” Paula ordered her daughter.
Isabella heard her uncle chuckle. “But Mommy, Maybelle is hungry,” she frowned.
“You don’t want Maybelle to get sick though, we’ll feed her right after dinner, okay?” Paula replied.
Simon saw Isabella rest her head on her hand, twirling her spaghetti with her fork. He could tell something was upsetting her at the moment. Silence washed over the three of them, but it was all broken when Isabella spoke up, “I wish my daddy was here.”
“He is,” Simon muttered under his breath.
Paula darted her eyes over to her with worry in them. “What you say, Uncle Simey?” Isabella asked with the most innocent child voice.
Before Simon could say another word, Paula quickly said, “He said nothing. Sweetie, why don’t you go and give Maybelle some doggy treats in your room?” Isabella began to protest, saying how she wanted to spend time with her Uncle Simey, but Paula cut her off. “You’ll be able to see plenty of your uncle later.”
Simon seemed to think that Isabella going upstairs was a bad idea as well. Maybe he just didn’t want to deal with the fact that Paula would soon chastise him about before. “Don’t make her go!” Simon said. “I haven’t seen her in months, I miss my little Isabella.”
Isabella smiled and hugged her Uncle Simey.
Paula began to speak, “Simon-”
He interrupted Paula and smiled towards Isabella, “Come on, Bella-Boo, if you give her a puppy dog face, she wouldn’t be able to resist!” Simon stuck his own lip out in his famous pouty face and Isabella followed suit.
“Oh no, Simon Cowell. Don’t you dare start teaching her your tricks. It’s bad enough that I can barely ever say no to you!” Paula laughed. “Honey, you’re really quite good at that pout, but not good enough.” Paula got up from her chair and slid Isabella off Simon’s lap and said, “Go feed Maybelle some treats, okay?”
“Oh fines!” Isabella crossed her arms over her chest. “C’mon Maybelle! We can go play ballerina!” She quickly walked out of the kitchen with her hair bouncing side to side and Maybelle followed behind her with her tag wagging about.
As soon as Isabella was clearly out of sight, Paula turned towards Simon, who was still sitting in his chair. “You shouldn’t have said that. She almost heard you,” Paula whispered fiercely.
“But she didn’t,” Simon corrected.
She hated how Simon could be so stubborn. Paula sighed loudly and quietly said, “I thought we agreed about what needed to be done.”
He shook his head gently and then stood up from his chair so that he was staring down at her. “Paula,” he said, “I don’t know if this is enough for me anymore. It’s too hard. You must know how hard this is for me, you must, isn’t it hard for you?”
“Of course it is! You and I-” she paused, realizing how loud her voice was becoming. “Simon, it’s hard for both us… but, it would hurt her too much if she knew the truth now.”
“We’re hurting her now! She doesn’t even know who her bloody father is! When he is stan-”
He was cut off when she covered his mouth again with her hand, while she rested her other hand on his arm. “Lower your voice,” Paula told him. She took her hand away off his mouth, but her hand still rested gently on his arm.
“I’m sorry…” Silence grew between them and Paula slowly slid her hand off his arm as he tensed at her touch. Finally, Simon broke the stillness, “Paula-”
She looked down at the ground, not wanting to make eye contact. “Please don’t, Simon.”
He shrugged, “I was only going to ask how work has been.”
Her eye contact slowly rose from the floor to Simon’s face. He had a calm expression written over his face. “You were not,” she told him.
“No, you’re right, I wasn’t.” His eyes bore into hers, not giving way, even after admitting to his fib.
Paula’s breath hitched in her throat. She felt a jolt in her stomach – a combination of nervousness and something she didn’t feel like naming at the moment. “Simon… I-I can’t--”
His hand took hold of hers and she could feel the warmth he was sending her. She bit her lip out of nervousness. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “Can’t what, Paula? Talk to me?” he whispered.
Frustration seeped into her voice. “Not when you look at me like that, no.”
Tense silence... the kind that would fill the very room and threaten to suffocate its occupants. The kind that would fill the air with a feeling that is too hard to indentify – a strange mixture of restraint and desperation.
Suddenly they heard tiny footsteps running throughout the halls of the house as well as tiny paws following from behind. “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” The door to the dining room opened and there revealed Isabella and Maybelle right next to her.
Paula immediately pulled her hands from Simon’s, hoping her daughter didn’t witness anything. She walked near Isabella, crouching down to see what was wrong. “What is it, sweetie?”
Just then a familiar-looking face popped his head in, “Hey you two!”
“JT is here,” Isabella muttered with not much enthusiasm in her voice.
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